It is rather amazing, really, that I haven’t yet written about movie theatres. Going to the cinema is such a significant and important part of my life. It provides me with a chance to escape from whatever is happening for a while. There are no assessments to do in the movie theatre; there are no rude customers or silly chores. There is only the simple peace that is a chair, darkness and a film.
But of course, like everything in this world, there is only one thing and one thing only that can ruin such a happy place.
The human race has caused more destruction on this earth than any other species that has ever roamed it. We have destroyed forests, killed coral reefs, bombed cities and melted glaciers. It would seem foolish to suggest that humans could not ruin the only consistent peace and sanctity that I have in my life.
There are a series of dreaded things that infuriate me about people in movie theatres. Whether it is the white glow of a mobile phone, the steady chatter that acts like a drone under the film or the classic static from a sweet wrapper – every little one of these things acts as a distraction from the primary reason why we’ve paid 16 dollars to get in theatre. The movies are an escape – 2 hours to not deal with our lives for a while and be fascinated by the characters on the screen. I don’t need your Kit Kat bringing me back to the real world.
One time, I saw someone live-tweeting a film. It goes without saying that if I had magical powers they would have been avada kedavera-ed so fast they wouldn’t even get a chance to check-in on foursquare.
Now, you may be asking “But Sidd, What if I get a text message during the film? I don’t want to keep them waiting”. My answer is “Fuck you, they can wait”.
You may be asking, “But Sidd, what if I get hungry in the movie?” My answer is “Fuck you, you fat piece of shit”.
You may be asking, “But Sidd, I really need to go to the bathroom, can I get up and leave for a little bit?” My answer is “You should have gone before, Fuck you and your bladder”.
(That may have got a little violent, I apologise).
It is reasons like this that I never like going to see blockbuster films on their release day. There are always hundreds of people all on their phones and whispering under their breath. It is far nicer just waiting a week or so and getting an empty, or at least less full, theatre where you can just sit and engross yourself in the film. There is nothing nicer than an empty movie theatre.
After all this, you may be thinking, “Wow, Sidd really doesn’t like people talking during the movie”. You would be right. The movie theatre is a place where your unequivocal aim should be to not physically exist, fully and completely. You should be comprehensively one with film. This just got very philosophical. I was not intending this.
In the end, it seems, the cinema has just become another thing that humanity has ruined through its irrevocable idiosyncrasies. We can’t get too much right, can we?